What If My Therapist Doesn’t Feel Like A Good Fit?
A few weeks ago, I wrote about 8 Questions to Help Figure out if Your Therapist is a “Good Fit.” Unfortunately, sometimes we learn that the therapist we have started working with is not a good fit for us. Every therapist is not the right fit for every person. This is okay! It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or even that the therapist did anything wrong. Sometimes it just is not a good fit. If you are thinking your therapist might not be a good fit, here are some things you can do:
First, if your therapist has hurt you, microaggressed against you, or done something unethical or wrong, you do not owe that therapist anything. Although I said a therapist not being the right fit for you doesn’t mean that the therapist did anything wrong, sometimes they have done something wrong. Much of the rest of my advice for navigating a therapist who is not a good fit for you involves at least a little further interaction with that therapist. However, if you’ve been hurt by a therapist, I do not believe you owe an explanation to that therapist. If you feel able to and like it aligns with your values and beliefs to give that therapist feedback about what they did, I’d encourage you to do so. But I strongly believe that this is not something that you have to do if you have been hurt or wronged.
Give it a few sessions if you are unsure. Your first session with a therapist is likely a little different (to learn more about what to expect in a first session click here), so if you are able, I encourage people to give it a few sessions. It can take some time to build trust with a therapist and begin to feel comfortable with them. So if you’ve left your first session unsure, but open to still seeing them a few more times, I think it can be helpful to get a better idea of what therapy with them is like and build more trust.
Talk with your therapist if something is not feeling right. A good therapist, especially early on, will ask for feedback from you about how sessions are going, which can make it easier for you to share when things aren’t going well. But even if they aren’t directly asking, you can share with them how things are going. Ultimately, therapy is a service that you are paying for and you deserve to be able to give feedback about how it is going. Sometimes talking about what isn’t feeling like a good fit can allow a therapist and you to readjust how you are working together to more fit your needs.
Don’t ghost your therapist. I know it is tempting to ghost your therapist: cancel an appointment with a stated intention to reach back out to reschedule while knowing you are never going to do that. I’d really encourage you to tell your therapist you are not going to schedule again. I know this can be hard, but this is another way to open up space for feedback and also allow yourself some closure before finding a new therapist.
Ask for referrals! Not ghosting your therapist also gives you space to ask for referrals. They’ve gotten to know you a little bit and might have some great connections with therapists that would be a good fit for you. You can ask something along the lines of “Now that you know me and what I’m looking for in a therapist a little more, do you have any therapists that you’d recommend I reach out to?”
Consider setting up a phone call or sending an email if you do not have another session scheduled or are struggling to bring up feedback in person. If you are able to dedicate some of your time in a session to these conversations, I think that can lead to a more full conversation. But if you aren’t able to, consider asking your therapist to set up a quick phone call or send an email to let them know that you’ve decided that you are looking for something different in a therapist and will no longer be working with them. This can still give you some amount of closure on this chapter of therapy and may open space to ask for referrals.
Most Importantly: Don’t Give Up!
It can be discouraging to start with a therapist, realize they are not a good fit, and feel like you have to start all over. It can be so frustrating! But keep searching. Your experience with a therapist that wasn’t a good fit will likely help you understand what a good fit therapist is for you, and will contribute to your success in your continued search for a good fit therapist. If you want any additional tips for looking for a therapist you can check out my past blog post here.
If you are interested in learning more about what therapy with me would be like, you can reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation by emailing me at carolyn@carolynmeillerphd.com or requesting an appointment here.
About the Author:
Dr. Carolyn Meiller is a trauma and anxiety therapist in Lexington, Kentucky. Throughout her career, she has worked with many clients who were new to therapy, and is passionate about helping people navigate the complicated world of therapy. She also greatly enjoys helping people understand how to get the most out of therapy.
