Painting of yellow, blue, purple, and pink puzzle pieces on wood with a red puzzle piece filling a gap in the center depicting how finding a therapist who is a good fit is like finding the right piece in a puzzle.

Now that you have found a therapist and reached out to a therapist, you may be starting to wonder if the therapist you have found is a good fit for you. Finding a therapist who is a “good fit” is common advice in finding a therapist, but can also feel very vague! What does being a “good fit” even mean? Throughout your first few sessions, and even after your initial consultation, you are likely trying to figure out if the therapist you are seeing is a good fit for you. A “good fit” will mean different things for everyone. A therapist that is the perfect fit for your best friend, might not feel like a good fit for you. So, here are 8 questions you can ask yourself to help determine if your therapist is a good fit for you:

1) Does your therapist have expertise and experience working with concerns like the ones you are wanting help with?

A therapist who is a right fit will have the skills and expertise to work with you and the concerns you are coming to them for help with. If you are coming for help processing a past trauma, and they do not engage in trauma-informed care or have experience working with clients who have experienced trauma, then they are likely not a good fit for you. This question will be something you can at least partially answer as you are initially searching for therapists through information on their website, but it can also be a helpful conversation to have with your therapist early on in your work together.

2) Do you feel like you are starting to develop a positive working relationship with your therapist?

A relationship with anyone, even a therapist, can take time to develop and feel comfortable. You don’t need to leave your first session with a therapist feeling completely comfortable with them, in fact, therapy and opening up can be naturally uncomfortable for many at the start of therapy! However, even after a first session, you should begin to feel like you are starting to feel a connection, or see the potential of a connection with them. Research shows that a positive relationship between a client and therapist is a necessary aspect of therapy, and is just as important as any particular technique. In other words, the relationship you build with your therapist may be more important than any tools, skills, or assignments they share with you. The next few questions will help you to further think about the relationship you are building with your therapist.

3) Do you feel understood and seen by your therapist?

An important part of a positive working relationship with a therapist is feeling like your therapist understands you and sees you. If you do not feel like your therapist understands you, then it is going to be harder to open up with them and ultimately it will feel hard to build a good relationship with them. Now, therapists aren’t superhuman, and they may misunderstand on a few occasions. A good therapist will listen to you correcting their mistakes. But if you are feeling like your therapist is consistently not understanding you, your experiences, your identities, your values, etc. it might be time to look for a different therapist.

4) Do you feel validated and accepted by your therapist?

In my view, a step beyond feeling understood and seen is feeling validated and accepted. A good therapist is someone who is validating your concerns and feelings. If you are sharing about how hard it is feeling so alone and closed off because you have trouble opening up to the people in your life, your therapist is hopefully validating your feelings of fear, frustration, and sadness. If you find your therapist is dismissing your concerns, they are not a good fit! I believe you should also feel accepted by your therapist; accepted for who you are, where you are at, how you are struggling. This doesn’t mean that a therapist will approve of everything you are doing. A therapist might still challenge you to make changes, but you should still feel accepted and supported in that challenge.

5) Do they seem like someone you can open up with and trust?

This can be a hard one for some, especially if you are not someone who opens up or trusts easily. You may find it hard to open up and trust a therapist, especially if you find it hard to open up and trust others in your life. Some people come into therapy, ready to share anything with their therapist, but for some people it takes time. It’s okay if it takes time for you, that doesn’t necessarily mean your therapist is a bad fit for you. If you know you are someone who takes time to warm up to someone, does it seem like your therapist could eventually be that person? I sometimes encourage people to think of something that is a little hard to share with someone, not the big things that you’ve never shared, but something smaller, still hard to share but possible. Then test sharing that with their therapist, or even just think about sharing it with them. Does how the therapist responded encourage you to feel like you can share more with them? Or can you envision opening up with your therapist? Do you feel like you can trust them, or have at least started trusting them? A therapist is someone you will share many vulnerable aspects of yourself with, and if you cannot trust them, therapy with them may not be helpful for you.

*Tip: If opening up with a therapist is feeling really challenging, you can always share with your therapist that you are feeling unable or unsure about opening up with them. This can lead to really important conversations about how you are feeling in therapy, how your therapist can better support you, and how you both can work together to build an environment where you do feel like you can open up. It can also be another way of seeing how your therapist responds to your concerns.

6) Does your therapist’s approach feel like what you are looking for?

In addition to having a positive working relationship, you should also feel like a therapist’s approach is what you are looking for. If you have experience with therapy and know that a therapist using Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a great fit for you, look for a therapist who uses DBT. Even if you are unfamiliar with therapy, you might have some idea of what you would want in a therapist. Do you want a therapist who is supportive and collaborative or would you prefer a therapist who is directive and often gives concrete assignments for you to complete between sessions? Honestly, sometimes you might not know until you are meeting with a therapist, but then you might figure out that you want a slightly different approach than what they are doing. This is definitely feedback you can give a therapist too! For example, although I’m not a therapist that typically assigns concrete worksheet based homework for clients to do between sessions, when asked by clients, I’ve been able to easily incorporate this into our work.

7) Do they seem like they could help you?

To me, this question is different than if your therapist has the expertise and experience to help you. Beyond the degrees, training, and experiences, this is about if your therapist gives you reason to believe they can help you. It can take time before seeing results from therapy, but I think you should feel like your therapist can help you. Have they given you reason to think that they can help you with your concerns? One way they might do this is through your goals for therapy. Often therapists will help you with formulating goals and may even talk with you about how you will work together to accomplish those goals. Have they given you some hope that things can change? Do the goals you have agreed to work towards align with what you are actually wanting from therapy? These might all build some hope that your therapist can help you.

8) Does it feel right? Does anything feel off?

This last question is a little bit of a catch all. I’m a firm believer in trusting your gut when it comes to if a therapist is a good fit. If it feels right, even if you can’t put words to why, wonderful! On the flip side, if you leave a first session with a therapist feeling like something is off it might also be a sign to look into a different therapist. Trusting your gut, the vibes, or a feeling can all be valid signs towards if a therapist is a good fit for you.

Asking yourself these 8 questions can help you dig further into the question of if your therapist is a good fit for you. Therapy is a service for you, and you deserve to have therapy and a therapist that is going to help you meet your goals. If you ask anyone who has found a “good fit” therapist and also seen a therapist who was not a good fit, they can immediately tell you the difference a good fit therapist can make. If you feel like I might be a good fit for you, reach out to me at carolyn@carolynmeillerphd.com or request an appointment here. We can set up a free 15-minute consultation so we can learn more about each other!

8 Questions to Help Figure Out if Your Therapist is a “Good Fit”